Kakashi's Breakdown
by JamesJAM
Summary: [TW: self harm (that's basically all this is about)] This is just Kakashi having a breakdown & Tenzo being there for him. Post war. Everything's the same but Tenzo doesn't follow Orochimaru around. No romance or anything, it felt morally gross to make a relationship story based off of self harm since anyone who has done it before knows there's nothing but hell in it. 100% angst


Kakashi took a deep breath inand fixed his gaze on a particularly bright star floating in the night sky. It had been quite a while since he had had a night this bad. He had woken up only about an hour before with terror clutching his heart, flashbacks cruelly yanking him from sleep. It wasn't very late, only about eleven o'clock.

He supposed he had a reasonable chance of falling back asleep, but he hadn't been able to keep himself in bed. His sweat soaked shirt and hair had been oppressively close to his skin. His rapidly beating heart had demanded a glass of water, a change of clothes, anything to pull him away from his terror.

After a while he had managed to calm down enough to process his dream. There were the parts that were the same as before. Banging endlessly on the boulder that had seized Obito. The overwhelming smell of Ozone and thick, searing hot blood as his lightning blade pierced Rin's chest. That one was always the worst, the most graphic. This time, though, Obito had emerged after his shameful failure to save her. He listened to Obito's wild rage for what seemed like hours. His former teammate screamed and cried, demanding Kakashi's life for his inability to protect Rin. Kakashi wanted to apologize or to cry. Hell, he'd have offered it up if he had been able to speak. But he couldn't. His tongue was dry and thick in his mouth and his vocal cords seemed paralyzed. Instead he took Obito's verbal lashing, wincing at every dagger of truth thrown at him. Finally, Obito had gripped him by his shirt collar and lifted him so that his feet couldn't touch the ground. Kakashi couldn't even fight back so he hung motionless. Obito had leaned in close to him and whispered accusingly in his ear.

"This moment? Right now? You started this war. You're the reason all these ninja will die."

And then he was awake. Of course, he knew that Obito didn't feel that way by the end of the war. But all the same, he could feel the oily layers of guilt encasing his body. And it was true. Even if he hadn't meant to, killing Rin had caused the war. And he had been powerless to save his friends.

Kakashi had tried not to end up where he did. Honestly, he did. He had changed his clothes. He had washed his face. He had tried to read for a while. He had paced around his apartment. He even had a tiny bit of sake to try to lull himself back to sleep. None of it had worked though. Kakashi had defaulted back to coping one of the few ways that actually afforded him momentary peace.

Standing in a stream of moonlight in his kitchen, Kakashi had pressed cool, biting metal into the tender skin on his thighs. And then again. And again. He sliced and sliced at his thighs and at his left shoulder and at a patch over his ribs until he was present enough in his body to forget the trouble in his mind, if only for a moment. For a few moments he felt the peace of forgetting. The only thing on his mind was the vague stingy achey sensation of still buried in the crimson trails that traced his skin.

And then, just like every other time he had done this, it all came crumbling down.

"Fuck." He had murmured softly.

His mind had snapped back to the his self destruction all too quickly and suddenly everything about it was grating instead of calming. He had stood frozen in his kitchen, caught in the sudden downpour of shame and anger and embarrassment. He had dropped the blade on the floor of his kitchen and the moonlight streaming through the window had seemed to only highlight his inability to deal with pain. It was too much. The walls had felt like they were closing in on him. He had needed to leave, to escape.

Sitting on the rooftop now, he absentmindedly ran his fingers over the clothed tops of his thighs. The shame of his actions was still on the forefront of his mind; he could almost feel the weight of it straining his shoulders. Maybe if he were able to confide in others this wouldn't happen. But he just couldn't. It was so much easier to push away everyone who showed concern.

Of course, a few people knew about his self destructive habits. Gai had been the first to find out. He had always been strangely in tune with Kakashi's mood and he would often pay him surprise visits during his ANBU days whenever he thought Kakashi was having a bad week. One time he had barged in while Kakashi was on the tail end of a rather bad episode before he could close the bathroom door. It had taken Gai a few moments to understand what had transpired. Once he understood though, Gai began openly weeping. Kakashi, like a dear in headlights, hadn't known what to say or do. He simply stood, drowning in dread and vulnerability. Later on, Gai had informed Minato sensei and then Hiruzen. Both of those situations became messy rather quickly but he had somehow managed to avoid intervention with copious amounts of smooth talking. Minato sensei especially had been less than convinced but eventually relented.

Tenzo had found out some years later. He had noticed the patches of scars on his ribs in the ANBU locker room. Most other ANBU didn't comment on such things, given that self destruction was nearly standard. Everyone had their vices. Alcohol, drugs, anonymous sex. It was all common practice. But Tenzo hadn't adhered to the unspoken rule. Granted he didn't weep over him like Gai had. But he had still seen the concern in his friend's eyes as he told him in a low voice that he'd always be there for Kakashi. God it had been so uncomfortable, especially since he was supposed to be the team lead.

He had tried unsuccessfully to escape their concern. Gai still continuously tried to convince him to talk to Tsunade about it. Thankfully though, he had stopped telling every single person with the smallest stake in Kakashi's wellbeing.

And Tenzo had never been one to push him since he recognized Kakashi's need to deal with problems privately. He was always there to listen but he had only once told Kakashi to seek help. It was shortly after Itachi had murdered his clan and left the village. Tenzo had gone looking for Kakashi to see if he wanted to get dinner since he hadn't been even minimally social lately. Tenzo had found him on the floor of his kitchen with his hand badly burnt and the stovetop on high. When he had tried to bandage his hand, Kakashi fought him. He had screamed at Tenzo that he needed to be cleansed, which only scared and confused his friend. Tenzo eventually managed to get his hand bandaged but Kakashi had turned around and tried to burn his other palm. Tenzo had to hold him with his mokuton until Kakashi collapsed, sobbing into his lap. Tenzo had been understandably terrified and begged Kakashi for weeks to talk to anyone. Kakashi, embarrassed at having let someone see him vulnerable, would ignore every request until Tenzo finally stopped asking.

Kakashi tilted his head down from the stars to train his gaze on the dirt path below. He watched a couple pass with entwined hands at a leisurely pace. He continued watching the path, observing the occasional stranger stroll by. Then, a vaguely familiar shape appeared down the path. He squinted at the figure, trying to place who it was.

"Shit," he whispered, realization dawning on him.

The figure gave him a wave and began moving towards the building. There was a slight blur and then the person was suddenly taking a seat at his side.

"Rough night?"

"What are you doing walking around at eleven at night, Tenzo?"

"Well, I ended up making a late food run. I could ask what you're doing out here in just boxer briefs and a t-shirt. You usually at least wear pants," he replied, his gaze momentarily lingering on the smear of blood on Kakashi's thigh.

"It's hot," Kakashi said absently with his gaze floating back up to the stars.

"Alright. Anyway, I can see blood on your thighs. Where else did you do it?" Tenzo sighed, rubbing a bit of nervous energy out into his thigh.

Kakashi's gaze turned downwards again. He suddenly felt tiny despite the routineness of the situation. He briefly wondered whether Tenzo intentionally walked by every night to see if he was on the roof. He doubted it but Tenzo had a knack for showing up the majority of times Kakashi was up there. Some of the time, Kakashi simply couldn't sleep so they would reminisce about ANBU or team 7 for hours. But Tenzo knew Kakashi's habits well enough that he often looked concerned at finding him on the rooftop. He would rarely interrogate Kakashi but he did enough to get information out of him.

"I...uhm..."

"Ribs?"

"Yeah."

"Arms?"

"Just, uh, the shoulder."

"Anywhere new?"

"Ah uhh, no."

Tenzo nodded and lifted his head to look up at the stars. Sitting back, he took in their simple beauty. Silence settled comfortably in between them. Kakashi found peace in Tenzo's calm presence. Tenzo, of course, was giving him time to recover and process everything before starting a real conversation.

It was a few moments before Tenzo turned toward him and broke the silence.

"We should probably get you cleaned up."

"No, no, Tenzo that's alright, it's not your responsibility. I can do it later," Kakashi tried to wave him off.

"I promise I'll be gentle," he said hopefully.

Kakashi chewed on his lip beneath his mask. He didn't feel much like talking but he knew he wouldn't bandage any of his injuries up if he refused Tenzo's help. If he were honest with himself, he might end up falling asleep on the roof. Finally, he relented and nodded at him. Tenzo gave him a reassuring smile and stood. Kakashi followed him, his bare feet slapping quietly against the roof.

They slid down easily onto the walkway and into Kakashi's dark apartment. Tenzo turned on the kitchen light and patted the counter. Kakashi obliged and hoisted himself up onto the cool surface. Tenzo picked the stray blade off of the floor, rinsing the blood off in the sink. He crouched and began sifting through the cabinet under the sink, looking for Kakashi's first aid supplies.

"Here we go," he said as he placed the box next to Kakashi on the counter.

The brunette set out some gauze, some tape, and an ointment. Turning to Kakashi, he rested his thumbs in the cuffs of his black boxer briefs. He waited for Kakashi to nod before gingerly pulling the cuff up to his hip joint. He set to work on the angry red lines he had uncovered. Tenzo got a bit of soap and water on a rag and gently wiped away some freshly dried blood. Then he dried away the water and new blood, glancing up at Kakashi to check on him periodically. Finally, he slathered a bit of ointment on his friend's thigh and covered it with the guaze. As he worked on Kakashi's other thigh, Tenzo spoke in a gentle voice.

"I know you don't like it when I tell you this, but I'm always here if you need to talk Kakashi. It's easier for you to do this than to talk. Whatever, I respect that. But you know I worry about you... about... this. And I know the war reopened a lot of old wounds for you. It did for me too. I just... wish you'd talk to somebody about it, even if it's just me or Gai or something. You know where I live, you can drop by any time, I don't mind. I know you think differently, but you don't deserve to be in pain like this all the time. You can share it and I won't judge. I...I don't know, Kakashi...I just... want you to be okay," he rambled on, keeping his gaze focused on his task.

Kakashi's heart sank in his chest. Guilt washed over him as Tenzo moved up to his ribs. He lifted his shirt compliantly as he watched the fingers move with familiarity in the task they were performing. His throat burned.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Tenzo glanced up with a surprised expression but kept working.

"Why? You didn't cut me," he said.

"For worrying you. I didn't... I never meant to..." Kakashi tried to explain.

Tenzo finished putting the bandage on his ribs. He looked up and held Kakashi's gaze with a startling intensity.

"Listen, I would still worry about you even if I didn't know about...this," he gestured. "You're my friend Kakashi, I want you to be well. I know you worry about me and Gai and team 7 the same way I would worry about you. You don't have to be sorry, it's just how things are."

Kakashi nodded, knowing that his self destruction scared his friend more than he'd ever care to admit. Truthfully, he wished the ground would swallow him whole in that moment. Being so exposed made him infinitely uncomfortable. But for Tenzo's sake he gave it a shot. Kakashi's mouth was suddenly drier than he'd ever felt in his life. He opened and closed it several times, grasping at words but finding none that would suit what he was trying to say. With Tenzo putting the last of the bandages on, he decided to just go for it.

"I, uh, tonight... I had this nightmare," he began clumsily.

Tenzo looked surprised but made no comment. He gave Kakashi an encouraging nod as he began putting supplies away. Kakashi swallowed hard and continued.

"A lot of it was the same as the nightmares I had a long time ago. Where I watched Obito die, and then Rin, and Minato-sensei. Over and over in excruciating detail. Except this time, right after Rin died, Obito was there. And I was still small. Small enough for him to pick me up by the shirt. And he was upset. He was so upset and angry. He told me I was the reason that the fourth shinobi war was started and I was going to be the reason everyone died," Kakashi explained.

Tenzo leaned against the counter next to him. Tenzo's eyes searched Kakashi's face for something unknown. He nodded slowly when he understood that Kakashi was waiting for him to speak.

"Kakashi, there was no way you could have known all the way back then. Besides, that's not even how he felt at the end of the war. And it wouldn't have ended if you weren't there."

"Logically, I know that. I've told myself that over and over. But it doesn't make it feel any different, ya know? It's still... even though that's true we both know that the war wouldn't have started if I had been able to save her. Or if I had been looking out for Obito, it just never would have happened," Kakashi said, his voice starting to crack.

Tenzo's brow was slightly furrowed as he thought of a response. He frowned.

"Kakashi, you were a child. You couldn't have known how this would turn out. As much as you want to blame yourself, so much of this was out of your hands. There's no reason to punish yourself for that."

Kakashi's expression was unreadable through the mask. There were hot tears welling in his eyes though and his brows were scrunched together. A mix of anger and pain were welling within him but it was unclear where the emotion was directed.

Finally, though, the floodgate broke. Kakashi clenched his fists against the counter, bracing himself as everything began to pour out. The tears in his eyes rolled down into his mask, wetting his cheeks. He could feel a sob welling up inside him. Despite fighting to keep it down, it slipped out of his throat. He leaned forward over his legs trying to keep himself upright.

Tenzo rested a hand reassuringly on his shoulder muscle. At that point, Kakashi gave in and instinctively turned into Tenzo. He grasped the fabric around the man's shoulders in his fists. His head was buried in his friend's chest as he let out guttural sobs. Tenzo simply let this happen. He rubbed at Kakashi's back until the energy in his sobs was lost and they collapsed into hiccups and the man was occasionally shuddering into his chest.


End file.
